Wednesday, August 1, 2007
and yet I survived
I was just attacked by a large jumping insect. It looked like a combination between a cockroach and a cricket. It must have been a loco Vegas hybrid. It had huge antennae, about 2 inches long. I realize that I should have snapped a picture so that this new species could be identified by bug scientists, but in the heat of battle there is little time for a photo shoot. The sneaky little devil was hiding in the folds of the hand towel in the bathroom, and when I went to dry my hands, that's when he sprang toward me. Clearly an experienced assassin, he went straight for the throat. But little did he know that I also had a weapon - my high-pitched shrieking and flailing of limbs frightened him into retreat. Like a true coward, he tried to hide, but he could not escape the trap of the tupperware that awaited him. I captured this intruder and sent him to a watery grave down the toilet. Experience has taught me that sometimes the vilest of creepy insects have an advantage over the surface tension of the water, so I saw to it that he was covered by a blanket of toilet paper to crush that advantage. Genious, I know! My only regret is that he did not live to tell his friends about the certain destruction that awaits if they ever try a stunt like that again.
Some friends are demanding
Some friends are demanding. Take my friend Jessi, for example. We were roommates for years, and yet to my amazement I do not make her "blogs I heart" list. Heartbroken was I. And so, to save the friendship, I struck a deal: If I display a picture of her on MY blog, she adds MY blog to HER list. Like I said... demanding.
That's Jessi there on the left. Although instructed by the photographer to be a love tiger, she instead went for the rattlesnake move, (certainly stolen from the dark-haired twin of Bette Midler in that one movie where they're twins... anyone know the reference or the movie? It's late and I can't think of it and I don't care to look it up.) Regardless of her modeling abilities, I still think this shot captures the essence of Jessi. And I think we can all agree that Shanna wins the prize for best love tiger.
Now a behind the scenes explanation of the picture. Once upon a time a couple of winters ago, my blonde roommates and I went to a party at this house with the colorful walls. The owner of this bed instructed us not to go into his room under any circumstances. He was embarrassed that it was dirty, with good reason, I might add. It was dirty. For this reason, this particular UofU med student with the intials DD will not be named. And so the photo shoot and pillow fight that followed is how we entertained ourselves once he left us alone near his bedroom door. We showed him the pictures later. That was a great party.
That's Jessi there on the left. Although instructed by the photographer to be a love tiger, she instead went for the rattlesnake move, (certainly stolen from the dark-haired twin of Bette Midler in that one movie where they're twins... anyone know the reference or the movie? It's late and I can't think of it and I don't care to look it up.) Regardless of her modeling abilities, I still think this shot captures the essence of Jessi. And I think we can all agree that Shanna wins the prize for best love tiger.
Now a behind the scenes explanation of the picture. Once upon a time a couple of winters ago, my blonde roommates and I went to a party at this house with the colorful walls. The owner of this bed instructed us not to go into his room under any circumstances. He was embarrassed that it was dirty, with good reason, I might add. It was dirty. For this reason, this particular UofU med student with the intials DD will not be named. And so the photo shoot and pillow fight that followed is how we entertained ourselves once he left us alone near his bedroom door. We showed him the pictures later. That was a great party.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Spam on my blog?
What is up with foriegners posting comments on personal blogs in a language that I can't understand? Does this happen to everyone or just me? I just got a comment from a stranger named Rodrigo on my previous post. I quickly deleted it, and feel somewhat unsettled about it. But since I'm new to the blog world, maybe this happens all the time and I'm just now seeing it. But common or not, I think I hate it.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Thigh masters and mob informants
I was just searching the archives of my email for an old attachment that I still can't find, and I stumbled upon one of the greatest emails I've ever received. Due to the sheer joy it has brought to me, I now share it with you:
As a creative wordsmith, I figured you might like this. Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's "winners."
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East river.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>>Anthony A. Maher>Chairman, President, & CEO>PCS Edventures, Inc. [PCSV.OB]
As a creative wordsmith, I figured you might like this. Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's "winners."
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East river.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>>Anthony A. Maher>Chairman, President, & CEO>PCS Edventures, Inc. [PCSV.OB]
Ode to Drano
I feel like Drano is a technological advancement that we don't give enough credit to. I, for one, have overlooked it far too long. Rhett and I just moved into a new house down here in Vegas -which we really love, by the way. But I'm sure we've all encountered the fun surprises that are left behind in a place someone has lived before. Paint cans in the garage, compacted beer bottles left in the trash compactor, fruit loops and ketchup packets scattered in the pantry, dirty magazines on the top shelf of the closet - to name a few. But these things are easily dealt with. Clogged drains left by previous owners, however, have been quite troublesome to me. The visual of what makes up that clog and that it belongs to a stranger who I've already decided I don't like because they left fruit loops and ketchup packets for me to clean up, it just grosses me out. So two of the bathroom sinks were almost completely backed up. Turn the sink on for 30 seconds and the sink was filled to near overflowing. I could barely brush my teeth! So it bothered me day and night as I tried to curse the clog away. Surprisingly, that never worked. Now enter the hero of our story: generic-brand Drano. Admittedly, one treatment was not enough, but a couple treatments later and that water runs down the drain lickety-split. Thanks Drano!
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