Thursday, January 22, 2009

it takes a keen eye

Here's a deep dark confession: sometimes I make fun of things in my mind. And sometimes, I capture snapshots of what I find amusing.

MAC has figured out the definition of beauty.
Beauty by MAC. I feel warm and fuzzy inside just looking at it.
This woman, clearly a loyal customer of MAC's beauty, has it all figured out:
MAC tried, but these boots are the real definition of beauty.

Friday, January 2, 2009


Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
1) If we see you are wearing Prada shoes carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, their funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time they need to drink a Slim-Fast.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s Mental Health Policy.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritants, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
-The Management