Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thigh masters and mob informants

I was just searching the archives of my email for an old attachment that I still can't find, and I stumbled upon one of the greatest emails I've ever received. Due to the sheer joy it has brought to me, I now share it with you:

As a creative wordsmith, I figured you might like this. Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's "winners."

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East river.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

>>Anthony A. Maher>Chairman, President, & CEO>PCS Edventures, Inc. [PCSV.OB]

Ode to Drano

I feel like Drano is a technological advancement that we don't give enough credit to. I, for one, have overlooked it far too long. Rhett and I just moved into a new house down here in Vegas -which we really love, by the way. But I'm sure we've all encountered the fun surprises that are left behind in a place someone has lived before. Paint cans in the garage, compacted beer bottles left in the trash compactor, fruit loops and ketchup packets scattered in the pantry, dirty magazines on the top shelf of the closet - to name a few. But these things are easily dealt with. Clogged drains left by previous owners, however, have been quite troublesome to me. The visual of what makes up that clog and that it belongs to a stranger who I've already decided I don't like because they left fruit loops and ketchup packets for me to clean up, it just grosses me out. So two of the bathroom sinks were almost completely backed up. Turn the sink on for 30 seconds and the sink was filled to near overflowing. I could barely brush my teeth! So it bothered me day and night as I tried to curse the clog away. Surprisingly, that never worked. Now enter the hero of our story: generic-brand Drano. Admittedly, one treatment was not enough, but a couple treatments later and that water runs down the drain lickety-split. Thanks Drano!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

middle names club

My name is Natalie Durbano Buttars. I recently acquired that last name, on the lovely afternoon of May 4th, 2007 to be exact. I have no middle name, and as my mother wisely planned, my maiden named has morphed magically into my middle name! I've been without a middle name so long, always feeling left out when I had to leave the 'middle initial' box blank... and just the other day while filling out a job application, I entered 'D' as my middle initial. I tell you, it was thrilling. So now I'm in the club with the rest of you middle-name-havers. I'd appreciate a formal welcome when you have the time. Feel free to share your own middle name and your deepest feelings about it.

My new husband (not to imply that there is an old husband) is the handsome Mr. Rhett Cameron Buttars. And, seeing as how his name is included in the address for my blog, let us all review the spelling: rHetT (emphasis on the oft-confused letters). That's R-H-E-T-T. And in case you remember things by association: my dear husband, Rhett Buttars, was named after Rhett Butler from Gone With The Wind. Literally. It's no coincidence. His mom was a big fan, which I think is adorable. Confession: I've never seen that movie, but from what I've gathered so far, my Rhett has free clearance to say "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" as often as he pleases. A note to my father: his name is not Brett. We're married now, so there's no excuse.

Confession #2: (which is plenty for one blog) I am the opposite of computer savvy. I am non-savvy. I own a digital camera, but naturally lost the cord to it immediately and have therefore been "slow" to get those digital pics onto my computer. But soon, and there are many interpretations for the word 'soon', I will post a smorgasbord of pictures. Given that I just got married and all, I happen to have quite a few pictures that I'm excited about. This is the only digital image of us that I have because my photographer kindly emailed it to me so we could use it for our stamps. [Let me take this moment to give credit to that fantastic photographer, Bry Cox (brycox.com) in case this image is copyrighted.] So my current recommendation is to actually visit the following link: http://brycox.com/durbano and browse our photography sessions for now. Just click around. And if you click on "Engagements" let me apologize in advance for the excessive kissing pictures. But Rhett and I, we really like each other, so when the photographer says 'kiss', we don't argue.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Bloggers Anonymous

Dearest bloggers,

Come one, come all... how fortunate you must be to have happened upon the blog of a lifetime.
Interested? Stay tuned...